Job interview questions

Here are the "right" answers to the worst questions:

• Have you ever brought a lawsuit against an employer? "No, but I’m always open to new experiences."

• Are you planning on having kids? "With you?"

• What interests you about our company? “Um, I heard you were hiring?”

• Can you work under pressure? “If I don’t get this job I’ll lose my house, my wife, and the eight third-world children I’ve been supporting will be doomed to starvation. How’m I doing so far?”

• How do you define sexual harrassment? “Come closer and I’ll show you.”

• Do you ever abuse alcohol or drugs? “I didn’t realize I had to choose”

• What is your biggest weakness? “I have two” ... “one, I have an aversion to kryptonite but it doesn’t normally affect my work, and two, you really don’t want me to work overtime during a full moon. Seriously.”

• Where do you see yourself in five years? “In mirrors and on YouTube. Unless I’m undead; then only on YouTube.”

• We like to consider ourselves an 'open' company who celebrates diversity, tell me about a time you've experience diversity in the workplace? "Well there was this time I called an Asian co-worker a chink and later I realized she was Korean. Boy did I feel silly and we all had a good laugh afterward. Did you know Asians really like photography equipment?"

• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? "I have a redwood in my pants. Does that count?"

• What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow? "African or European?

• Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Peter - family guy:Thinking: "Don't say doing you wife, don't say doing your wife" Says: "Doing you... son?" or 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question.'

• What do you think you can bring to the company? "Drugs?"

You can't really prepare. Do your best and live with it!